jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
