I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
