A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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