I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
