The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
