I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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