Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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