I could make wine with my vomit
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
organizing the empties. That sober.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
