Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
BRING THE BAGELS
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize