your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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