you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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