i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
