I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
