Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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