so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
