Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
