Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize