Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
