I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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