guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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