I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
