Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
