My balls are so social today.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
