Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
