What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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