saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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