WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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