I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
