I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
then he tried to convert me to islam
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
