i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
