I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
