the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
