laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
