I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
