and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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