my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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