Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize