Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
