that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
