apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
