I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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