Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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