ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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