I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
