Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
