Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
