Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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