My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
