Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize