i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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