This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
