I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
