I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
