I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
