How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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