I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
