I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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