The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
