i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
