Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
