My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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