1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
