I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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