Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If I die, sorry about rent.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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