Yo dont text me then not text me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize