I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize